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Breathe and Trust – While Wings Are Drying

In my own worst seasons
I’ve come back from the colorless world of despair
by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing:

A flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window.
And then another: My daughter in a yellow dress.
And then another: A perfect outline of a dark sphere behind the crescent moon.

Until I learned to be in love with life again,
like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills,

I have taught myself joy,
over and over again….                   – Barbara Kingsolver

I found my mind yesterday putting attention on what is not present in my life instead of what is already abundant.  What happened is that I went down into the despair that Barbara Kingsolver talks about above.  I lost myself in a world where I could not even conceive of the limitless possibilities and opportunities that are certainly ready to show themselves to me as my dragonfly wings dry in preparation for flight in my new home.

What is it about the human mind that seeks ahead of the moment, that fixates on the “I don’t have this relationship, money flowing in, health, etc.” and completely ignores what is present right now, while not trusting that all is unfolding itself just as it should?

What is it that has us ignoring the incredible beauty before us which points to our natural wealth that is almost certainly renewing itself in many and various forms in our every moment?

Well, my mind, I suspect, is just as dangerous a place at times as the next person for it really took me for a ride until I realized with a sudden lightening bolt of awareness that there is so much abundance in my life right now…..and MORE is coming!  Before that however, I wrote to you Richard saying:

My mind is attempting to figure out the whole of what is going on here with this continued illness and how best to support myself to come back into balance.  The truth of the matter is that I am having a bit of a hard time.

Part of the emotional release yesterday, which came and went moving fluidly through my body, was admitting that I am scared Richard.  Part of that feels like it arises from not feeling well for what feels like a long time, and the other part is all of the opportunities (that I can’t see very clearly yet, but trust that they are there) before me in this new territory. 

I want to stay true to my heart and the direction of my soul.  Old stuff seems to be intermingled with new stuff. Everything feels like it has been thrown up in the air and I have no idea where all the pieces will land or what relationship I will have with them. “

Interrupting the e-mail to you for a morning yoga class I repeated the mantra you gave me of “I am ready and everything is happening in perfect time” while I drove to the class.   Then I heard that wise inner voice say “you are working at trying to heal yourself instead of surrendering to the wisdom (and cycle) of this illness and resting within the messages that it has for you”.  (wise inner voice gets quote marks!)

In other words taking the time for my wings to dry before flying off into new territory.  The synchronicity of the class was perfect of course and focused on breath opening and finding at least 3 things that we found joy and beauty in during the 90-minute class.  The Barbara Kingslover  poem above happened to be the hand out given to us at the beginning of class.

During the first part of class, when realizing that my breath capacity was immensely decreased and endurance was shaky at best, instead of worrying I watched the breath expand and my shakiness diminish as the class progressed.  Giving myself permission to rest as needed and placing myself in the hands of the teachers guidance (receiving), all I could see and feel was grace and a resonance with my breath (diminished or not!).

As a guide to coming home to authentic and natural breathing,  I have told so many students, just witness the breath and see what gifts and messages it has to bring within each inhale and exhale.  See how your present pattern of breathing reflects your life experience.  Are you acting from fear or love?

Then, if you are not having the life experience you desire, shift your breathing  from contracted and restricted to open and receptive and see what happens.   Like that newborn that is so ready to take that first big inhale and holler (and yes I did Richard!) we have an amazing tool at our disposal.  It is no accident that this temporary illness has affected my breathing passages so acutely.  There is a renewed trust in the wisdom that it has to bring.

As with following the heart and intuition, trusting in the unfolding of ones life also increases the amount of synchronicity that occurs.  Within the last few days there has been an increase in this department.

In addition to the yoga class focus (just for me of course!) there was the turquoise craftsman that showed up as I walked past the Artisan’s Alley on a main street of Austin a few days ago.  Mind you this is before I received your last post Richard.

I was drawn to the turquoise and when asking the craftsman about a particular piece, he was happy to share that this bracelet that I had in my hand was made in Mexico near Sleeping Beauty mine and was very high quality.  Did I notice that it had a clasp in the shape of a heart on it?  I thanked Frank who has been making jewelry for over 30 years, paid my $7, and put the bracelet on as I walked back to my car.

Then after reading your last post Richard I was struck by the synchronicity and realized that I had made a necklace a year ago while I was in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and it incorporated turquoise in the design with a heart locket right at center.  No onyx in that necklace, but a visit to the local bead shop has fixed that.

I am learning that the path to Natural Wealth is paved with trust, faith, synchronicity, lots of color, textures, smells, and rich sounds……and much more.  I look  forward to learning about the “much more”.  I am breathing here….and my wings are still drying….