Hiding In “Safe”?
OK, I am jumping in here to be first even though I asked Richard some questions in the last post. It has occurred to me this past week that I have not been fully forth coming in these posts. Why?
Because there is still a holding back on what my real nitty gritty journey is here into Divine Wealth. Old patterns die hard sometimes when one is used to being perceived as the independent, strong woman that knows what she is doing (even when she doesn’t). I call this exposing the soft under belly – instead of hiding in “safe”.
You know how there is a lot that goes on “back stage” with the actors, support staff, etc…well, Richard and I carry on conversations apart from this journal that provide rich territory to let go and strip away any pretense that may be getting in the way of stepping into this next “wealth filled” period of life.
This is not to say that Richard doesn’t receive a great deal from my counsel, passion, creativity and generosity of spirit – but what I want to do here is stand naked in front of you and see how it feels. This means I am not attempting to be wise, courageous, an “expert”, teacher, mentor, or guide. I will just be me.
So….this weekend Richard learned another piece of this journey for me. I finally revealed my age to him after hiding behind the pretense of “a woman’s prerogative” and “it is good to be in the mystery sometimes”. There were parts of me that felt if he knew my age that there would be immediate assumptions about my capabilities, possible opportunities, and who knows what else! Now mind you this was all in my head and had nothing to do with Richard.
The fact of the matter is that on the “About” page when we talked about having a conversation between 2 countries, 2 genders, and 2 perspectives….there is also 2 generations! At 62 (and feeling not more than 45!) I am in another generation from Richard and, thank goodness, I am wise enough to know that this will make our dialogue even richer.
So here is the skinny. I am 62, soon to turn 63 in July, and have had money come and go in my life as most of us have. I took a 3 year sabbatical after selling a house in the Bay area of California about 7 years ago now to find out who the heck I was without all of the labels – massage therapist, yoga teacher, partner, mother, retreat facilitator, hug therapist, energy worker, breath guide, entrepreneur/business owner, etc. etc.. (see WildlyFreeWoman for more details if you are interested.)
I slowly “ran out of money” at the tail end of this time, and wanting to start an online resource website for midlife women I moved from my sabbatical area of New England to Oregon to pursue this. Needing money to fund this venture I went back into the medical field dragging my feet, but feeling it necessary.
Now we come to the present. I moved to this area because of friends that were here, and to be closer to my children and granddaughter in California – but I did not move here for me. Now, after working for almost 4 years in conventional medicine and going through a bankruptcy after poor financial decisions in the business I attempted to start – I am ready to let go and move on – inside and outside.
I have been writing weekly as a practice and publishing it to the world for a year now, and am passionately ready to jump into my full potential in life sans the regular “job with benefits” that catches so many people in its grip. I am slowly learning that the freedom that I seek is within me, and the wealth that I seek is also within me.
Something happened to me this week when I was in nature. In those moments I learned to become very still and receive what was right before me. From that experience I was swept through with a peace that gently asked the fear to leave….and it did. This is not to say that there won’t be times that I will need more courage to step forward to take action, but this peace is larger than the fear.
From this place I am practicing a deep letting go, faith that all will be revealed, and trust that wealth is already present in all the ways that will sustain me and then allow me to give back from a deeply nourished being. Two things immediately happened to confirm that I have stepped into the stream that will unfold my future.
News of a tax refund soon to be deposited in my account, and a conversation with a globally connected friend who is inviting me to consider joining her organization to do some administrative work with global experiential service programs for University students. This organization is based in Bali, Indonesia – another “home” for me, and San Francisco – an old home for me.
The other action that was taken prior to all of this happening was to clear and update some old accounts so that the “stream bed” would be open to receive the “wealth flow”. I might ask Richard now about other daily mindset practices or actions that can be integrated to ensure that I stay in the stream and not dam up the flow!
I leave this rather long post (I promise not to be so lengthy in the future, but back story was necessary here) with a piece of writing that speaks to the moments that peace took its place in my heart, and trust in taking action from my intuition and knowing took center stage.
I welcome your comments, inspiration, stories, and questions. This is not only my journey my friends…this is our journey – for it feels to me, at this particular time on our planet, that each of us are under going shifts that will place us in our authentic creative expression in the world – and with each other. Thank you for walking with me a bit on the path!
I stand still.
Still enough that I hear my own breath
moving in and out.
Then it happens.
What seemed to be a rather quiet walk
on a path well know
awakens my senses with a roar of natures sounds.
Frogs, owls, and then…
My stillness becomes greater.
The black and green field beyond suddenly
turning into a cacophony
of sound and movement.
Hundreds of birds lift off with a sound that rocks the soul,
all at the same time,
as if they had an agreement
to the exact timing that flight would take place.
The field no longer holds the black color.
It had been the birds in rest.
As I stand in amazement I watch
as they circle the field.
Some split off in other directions thinning the populous
like mutually agreed upon communities
separating off from the whole,
only to become yet another whole.
Others sit in a nearby tree.
Then, there are those that stay together,
circling until they land at a not so distant spot
from where they had been before.
Was this simply exercise time before dinner?
Or, is this a sacred dance
that has been choreographed for eons
down to the finest of life movements.
As the stillness deepens
I am invited to rest
in the mystery.
At peace…a part of the whole. ( G.A. 3/2/11)
Posted on March 8, 2011, in Divine Wealth and tagged aging and wealth, body-mind reflexes, Bringing full creative expression, Divine Wealth, Divine Wealth Journal, Gaye Abbott, life transitions, Richard Cawte, wealth mindsets. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.